


Who am I?

by Lolax74



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-10 19:03:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3300305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lolax74/pseuds/Lolax74
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson find himself alone with no memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere around season 2. English it's not my first language so I am sorry for every mistakes.

The sun in his eyes almost hurt. The air was warm. All he could see from his position lying in the grass was a glimpse of sky and the tip of a tree. He raised his head slightly to look around and in the distance he could not see any house. A dirt road passing nearby. He gave himself a look: blacks pants, black shoes, a white shirt and a black tie. He stood up and his head was spinning and it hurt him. He touched his pockets and found to have no wallet or phone. He had only some money in a pants pocket. Phil Coulson was in the middle of nowhere, he could not even remember how he got there. He could not remember anything. Not even his name.

*******

Slowly walking down the dirt road he arrived at the edge of a small country that actually was more a few houses and a few shops. There was a bar and he went inside. Inside reigned an almost unreal silence broken only by the music that came from a radio behind the counter. There was only one customer who was drinking a coffee and a waitress who was arranging a table by the window.  
"Good morning!" she said. Coulson just nodded in response and walked to the pay phone that was in the corner of the bar. From his pocket he took out a coin, inserted it and stared at the phone's keypad. He stared at it a moment and then hung up the phone not remembering any number to call. He stood still a moment with his hand on the phone.  
"Is everything all right?" asked the girl.  
"I ... .." Coulson did not know what to say. He could not remember anything. How he ended there? What was he doing in that place? Who was he? He was confused and his head hurt just trying to remember something.  
"Are you okay? You look a bit pale! Can I get you some coffee?" The girl took him to the counter and made him sat.  
"What happened to you stranger?" asked the girl smiling.  
"I ... don’t know. I don’t remember anything "  
"What do you mean you don’t remember anything?"  
"Nothing. Not even my name. I woke up in a field near here but I don’t know how I got there ... "  
The girl looked at him puzzled "Maybe you had an accident. There was a car next to you?"  
"No, nothing"  
"Mmmhh. Maybe you should see a doctor. And talk to the local police. Maybe they know what happened. Drink your coffee and I will take you to the doctor. By the way, my name is Kate!"

 

Coulson and Kate left the bar and walked for about ten minutes until they get to what looked like a small doctor's office. Walking Coulson was trying to recognize something but could not remember anything. They entered the doctor's office.  
"Hello Rose!"  
"Hello Kate, how are you? Why here?" said the secretary.  
"Dr. Peterson is in? I need to see him"  
"Yes, he's inside. Wait till I call him!"  
The doctor seated them in his studio and Kate told him what little she knew and then Coulson was left alone for a quick visit. After about twenty minutes the doctor made her coming back.  
"So, the situation is strange: there seems no injuries or major damage. I don’t think you've been hit in the head but amnesia is strange. The rest seems okay. I think the best thing is to go into town for a closer examination. Here I can’t do much ... "  
Kate and Coulson thanked the doctor and went out.

"So, what do you do now that we know that you are not life threatening?"  
"I do not know, the police?"  
"Ok, let's go!"

At the police station things did not go better. The police had nothing with regard to particular incidents or missing persons within 100 miles. They took his notes and advised him to go to the hospital.

"Ok, the nearest hospital is about an hour drive from here. I can’t move now, I have to go back to work for the evening shift ...." Kate said.  
"No, that's fine, don’t worry, I don’t need a babysitter ...."  
"You don’t need it? And where do you think you're going?"  
"I ... ..don’t know!"  
"Okay, listen. I live near here and I have a lot of space in my house. Tonight you are staying with me and tomorrow we go to the hospital, ok? "  
"Are you sure? You have just met me.... "  
"And I feel like I can trust you. And then we don’t know what happened to you. Maybe it’s better if someone will keep an eye on you...." Kate smiled.  
"Okay then, thanks"  
"Well, then I'll take you home and go back to the bar. Let's go "

Kate's house was actually nearby. Kate showed him the kitchen, bathroom, dining room and a bedroom.  
"This was my brother's room. He no longer lives here for some time but he left some of his things. If you look in the closet there are definitely some clothes that you can use ... "  
Coulson was walking in the house as in a dream. His mind seemed locked. Could not understand how he could have forgot even his name ....  
"Hey, are you there?"   
"Yeah, sorry, I'm a bit confused ...."  
"I should think so. Listen, I gotta go. I'll be back in time for dinner. You make yourself at home and maybe looks a bit of TV, maybe it could help with some memories .... "  
Coulson nodded and Kate left him alone.

After a few hours Kate came home and found Coulson on the couch watching tv. He had taken a shower and changed into jeans and a black t-shirt.  
"Hey, I brought dinner!" Kate said, "How are you?"  
"As before, I don’t remember anything ... just that ...."  
"What?"  
"I have some strange scars on the body"  
"Strange? Let me see! "  
Coulson was a bit hesitant but pulled up his shirt.  
"Man, these are ugly scars. And they are on the chest and back. What happened to you?"  
"I don’t know but I have a feeling that they are important ...."  
"I'll bet. Not seem scars of an operation, more than from a wound ... .. "  
"Maybe I'm a soldier, and these are some war’s wounds ..."  
"Maybe. We could try to do a search in the army’s archives, maybe they know who you are .... "  
"It may be an idea ...."  
"Okay, but now we eat!"

The evening went quiet. Coulson did not remember anything, but it was extremely comfortable with Kate. The whole situation was absurd. The loss of his memories left him empty.  
Kate yawned and Coulson decided to close the evening "Ok, I'm going to bed. Kate, listen ... I don’t know how to thank you for all of this ... "  
"Don’t worry, it's nothing ... ..Patrick"  
"Patrick?"  
"Yes, I decided to call you Patrick. On your shirt there were your initials PC and not knowing your real name one or the other it’s fine... .it’s sounds good to you?"  
"Patrick ...... yeah, ok, sounds good!"  
"Ok, then goodnight Patrick"

The next morning Coulson woke with the aroma of coffee filling the house. He dressed and went down to the kitchen.  
"Good morning!" Kate said "Coffee?"  
"Yes, please!"  
The two drank coffee in silence and Kate stared at him from time to time.  
"What?" asked Coulson.  
"Nothing, I'm trying to figure out who you are ...."  
"Let me know if you find something" Coulson replied laughing.  
Kate smiled "I phoned the hospital. They made an appointment for a complete check up next week. I thought I was fine since there is no urgency ... you seem fine"  
"Yeah, okay, but maybe I should find a place to stay ... .."  
"Seriously? There is a lot of place here.... "  
"Really, I don’t want to bother you ...."  
"Let's do this, come and help me out at the bar, and we're even!"  
The idea of being able to help sounds good and they headed to the bar.  
The day passed very pleasant. Kate and Coulson talked of lots of stuff. Since Coulson did not remember anything especially Kate was telling stories about her and the city.  
It was nearly ten years that she lived there, first with his brother who now had moved to live in the city with his girlfriend. She had been there to work at the bar that his parents had left. Had a couple of friends who helped her, but she liked to handle things alone.  
Coulson helped her arrange the tables and cooking, simple things but he found to be good.  
The day passed quickly and at closing time they were alone. The evening was beautiful and they decided to take a walk. Talking and walking they did not realize that they had wandered far from the bar and they found themselves in a desolate area of the country. Suddenly they found themselves in front of two guys with knives.  
"Ok beautiful, empty your pockets!"  
"Hey man, stay calm, we don’t want anyone to get hurt ... .." said Coulson.  
"Shut up and give me the money or your girlfriend ends badly ...." The man walked over to Kate and attacked her injuring a hand. Kate screamed and in a moment Coulson had disarmed the two men who were now on the ground unconscious. Coulson made sure that Kate was not in danger, "We call the police and let's get out of here!" said Coulson. Kate nodded and followed Coulson. Arrived home Coulson took the first aid kit to clean the wound "is not serious, is not deep. You don't need sutures. Now I clean it. You'll see that tomorrow you'll be better already" Kate watched Coulson work on the wound with dexterity.  
"Who are you?" asked the girl. Coulson looked at her without answering "You disarmed two guys without blinking, you're taking care of me like a doctor ... .Who are you?" Coulson really did not know how to answer this question.


	2. Chapter 2

Coulson watched Kate sleep sitting near the window. He was thinking back to all that had happened in the last hours. He had no idea who he was but the reaction to the aggression was a clue about the fact that there was something special in his past and was probably also the cause of his amnesia. Coulson reasoned that perhaps it was not too sure stir the waters and thought to ask Kate to cancel the appointment at the hospital.  
Meanwhile the girl was awake for a while and watched him.

"Hey! You're awake! "Coulson said with a grin.  
"Yes, for a while...."  
"How do you feel?"  
"Good, thank you ... for everything"  
"I should thank you!"  
"Well, then we say that we are even"  
"Ok, even"  
Between the two there was silence "You want to talk?" ask Coulson.  
"About what? The fact that you have laid out two armed bandits with your bare hands?"  
"Maybe I'm an instructor of self-defense ...." Coulson said.  
"Or maybe not" replied Kate  
"Maybe not" said Coulson.

The situation was quite clear: there was a great mystery in the life of Coulson and perhaps he was putting at risk Kate’s life.  
"Listen, Kate, I was thinking of canceling the appointment at the hospital ... maybe it’s not safe ... ..and I also thought that it’s not safe to be here. If I am who I think I am I could put you in danger"  
"And who do you think you are?"  
"A spy or some kind of secret agent ..."  
"And why not just a cop?"  
"Because the police station would know. If a police officer disappears they know. If anyone don’t knows anything ... there's a reason"  
"And where are you going? You have no track to follow ... "  
"I know, but I will not put you in danger"  
"Listen, Patrick, no one knows you're here. We are a small town and also to the police station no one will do too many questions. Stay here and you'll see something that you will come back to you. I don't see many other solutions"

Coulson reasoned on the thing. Actually he did not know where to go and maybe stay near the spot where he had woken up would help someone to find him, if someone was looking for him. Staying close to Kate he would have been able to help her in case of danger. The decision was made.

*******

In the following days, life went quiet. Coulson helped Kate at the bar and spent his free time reading newspapers and watching TV, hoping that something would help him remember. Every so often he had the feeling of being on the verge of remembering something, but it was like being on the edge of a cliff blindfolded. The thing was very frustrating and Kate found him increasingly nervous and agitated. One evening Coulson was watching the news about a terrorist attack by Hydra and the name seemed to remind him something. Scoured his empty memory trying to remember faces and names. His head was beginning to ache and the vision was blurred. Coulson began to have difficulty breathing. He was struggling to remember something but more he try to remember more the memory eluded. Coulson slumped on the ground, his nose was bleeding. Kate heard the noise from the kitchen and was shocked to see him so. She was quickly next to him.  
"Patrick, what happens? Tell me?"  
Coulson was holding his head in his hands and tried to breathe.  
"Ok Patrick, focused on my voice. Take a deep breath ... here, so .... "  
The crisis was passing, but it had left him off. Kate went to the kitchen to get a towel and took the blood from his face. She looked carefully and saw that his eyes were becoming clear again as always.  
"What the hell happened?" Kate asked.  
"I don’t know ..." said Coulson still breathing hard "I felt that something came back to mind, but I could not stop the memory ..."  
"Ok, now don’t worry ... I am here ... .."  
Coulson was feeling better and was relaxing in Kate’s arms. The two were on the ground with their back resting on the couch "Do you feel like trying to stand up?" Kate asked. Coulson nodded and slowly got up and sat on the couch. Kate kept him in her arms and she was stroking him slowly, on the face, head, arms, "I wish I could do more to help ...." Kate said.  
"Kate are doing a lot to me and I don’t think I will ever thank you enough ... without you I'd be lost ... .." Kate laughed thinking that probably Coulson would not have looked lost even in the middle of a desert. Coulson turned slowly toward her and kissed her.  
"And what was this for?" Kate asked, smiling.  
"Thank You? Excuse me for everything? I don’t know what to do without you? You're the hottest girl I've ever known?" said Coulson.  
"Ok, this is not true because you probably don’t remember your other girls ...." Kate said, laughing.  
"Fair Enough! But it’s true .... " Coulson kissed Kate again and she pulled him toward her body. Coulson began to kiss her neck as he unbuttoned her shirt. He touched her breasts and Kate let out a sound of approval. They kept it up for a few minutes until Kate got up, taking him by the hand and led him into her bedroom.

*******

On board on the bus the atmosphere was electric. Coulson was gone for days and no one had any idea where he was.


	3. Chapter 3

The mission seemed simple at first but years of experience had taught May that nothing was simple in their work. The goal was to retrieve some documents inside an Hydra base with small protection, but once inside, things went south. May, Coulson and Skye found themselves separated and with communications out of use. May had managed to get out and had found that Skye had gathered with the rest of the team but a shiver had crossed her back when she realized that Coulson was not there.  
The whole team had begun research but at dawn it was clear that Coulson was no longer there. Maybe he had escaped and was hiding in the woods beside them, perhaps Hydra had captured him and taken away. May did not know what to think.

"Skye, you track the latest communications?" asked May.  
"Yes, but there seem to be no news. They don’t speak of hostages or about Shield. Perhaps Coulson was not caught .... "  
"So where the hell is he? It's been eight days, damn! "

May and the rest of the team did not dare to think the worst hypothesis that Coulson could be dead. They were sure that he was alive and they would find him.

*******  
Meanwhile Coulson was living his new life. All next to Kate seemed natural. He knew that his life was incomplete and that sooner or later would have to face the consequences of his disappearance.  
Every now and then he continued to receive images of past memories that he did not know how to interpret. He saw faces and remembered voices but did not know who these people were.  
His days passed with Kate who appreciated these moments knowing however that all would end. They had decided to deal with life day after day. It had been two weeks since they had met but they seemed to know each other for years.  
Coulson weighed on his shoulders the feeling that something was about to happen, something bad.

"What is wrong? Is everything all right? " asked Kate while they were in bed.  
"I’m fine ...." Coulson said and kissed her.  
"I'm not sure you're a spy ... you are not very good at lying..!"  
"I know it! In fact, I wonder what is really my job ... maybe I'm just a messenger " Coulson tried to make the atmosphere lighter but it was clear that both were concerned so much about the lack of information and about what would happen when this information would emerge.  
"What are you thinking?" asked Coulson.  
"The same thing that you think all the time ..."  
Coulson kissed her again trying to make her forget all her worries.

*******

"Found it!" yelled Skye.  
"What? What did you find?" asked May.  
"I found a NSA satellite that framed the Hydra seat the day that Coulson has disappeared. See? A few minutes after we separated from the south exit you see a truck that leaves the building, and after a few kilometers the truck stops suddenly, discharge something and disappears. Why Is that?"  
"I don’t know ....you know what was discharged?"  
"It was dark, but could be a person"  
"Do you think it’s Coulson?"  
"I hope so, and anyway I don’t know where to turn .... Along this road there is a small town. Perhaps Coulson is there"  
"And why not showed up?"  
"I don’t know but I want to go and see"  
"Ok, you go tomorrow morning and then report"  
"Thank you"

May did not want to dismantle Skye’s trust but it seemed strange that Coulson was in that city for three weeks and had not tried to contact them. Unless he was unconscious in some hospital bed ... anyway May did not know what to hope.

Skye came to the village the next morning. She began to roam the streets trying to find some clue. She saw that there was not a local hospital and so she decided to request information from the local police station. She showed a photo of Coulson to the officer on duty.

"Of course, this is Patrick!"  
"Patrick?"  
"Yes, Patrick. He arrived here about three weeks ago. He work with Kate at the bar but now I think they are at home"

Skye did not know what to think. On the one hand she was happy to have found Coulson on the other she wondered who the hell was Patrick. She got the address of Kate and walked toward her house. Walking she decided to warn May and she told her that she would reached her soon with the bus and the rest of the team.  
Skye was nervous. She did not know what she would find beyond that door. The house was very nice, well maintained and with many flowers. There was still light outside and she decided to take a look at the back garden. She want very much to hug Coulson again but she was afraid. Eventually she knocked. After a moment she felt a movement inside the house and a familiar voice say "I’m going!". Her eyes were already filling up with tears of happiness. Coulson opened the door and looked at her smiling "Hello. May I help you? "  
Skye was still. Before her was a Coulson who had never seen. He seemed fine but was in jeans and T-shirt, barefoot and with the beard of a few days "Coulson ...." Coulson gave her a questioning look. Behind Coulson came a woman "Patrick what’s happening?". Coulson was beginning to understand that this young woman before him was linked to his past.

"Who are you?" Kate asked.  
"Ahhh, I'm sorry, my name is Skye and I am here for Coulson ..."  
"Coulson?" Kate asked.  
"Yes, him ...." Skye said, pointing.  
"Do you know me?" asked Coulson.  
"Coulson what’s happening?" asked Skye.  
"You better come inside" and Coulson ushered Skye in the house.  
"Coulson is my name?  
"Philip Coulson for accuracy"  
"And you are ...."  
"Skye, we work together"  
"Skye ...." Coulson seemed to relish his name "listen Skye, I woke up in a field near here about 3 weeks ago and I don’t remember anything ......"  
"You have no idea how much we were looking for you, we were all worried"  
"But what happened?"  
"I don’t know, we were on a mission and you disappeared ..."  
"Mission?"  
"Yup ...."

Skye was undecided whether to say everything to Coulson given the presence of Kate. Coulson became aware of her concern "It’s ok, you can talk, Kate is a friend. Helped me a lot since my arrival here" Kate alongside Coulson was quiet and worried. Coulson took her hand and Skye noticed that gesture extremely sweet and so unusual for Coulson.

"We work for SHIELD" said Skye.  
"The SHIELD?"  
"Yes, you are the Director"  
"What?" Coulson was amazed. How he cannot remember anything? "But I have heard in the news that SHIELD is considered a terrorist organization ..."  
"Well, not really. Let's say that we work in the shadows ... "  
Coulson was upset and had an incipient headache "I don’t remember anything..."  
"Coulson, May is coming and Simmons will visit you and see what happened ..."  
"I have no idea what you're talking about but ok"  
Now Skye was really worried as Kate. The two women who were with him knew that the day would not end well.


	4. Chapter 4

The atmosphere was awkward. Coulson was in the laboratory on the Bus where Simmons was doing all kinds of analysis. On the other side of the glass May, Skye and Kate waited.  
May had breathed a sigh of relief after learning that Coulson was alive and well, but it was short-lived when she realized he could not remember anything. What if he had never remembered? And who was this woman who obviously knew him very little and yet seemed so attached to him?

"So you and Coulson ...." Skye did not know how to finish the sentence.  
"Yes, I met immediately after the accident and I gave him a hand" said Kate.  
"Well, thank you very much. Without you, who knows what would have happened ... .. "  
"Patrick ...Philip seems a man able to take care of himself ..."  
"Yes, certainly, but I can only imagine how it is to have no memory"  
"He looked very lost at the beginning ... . SHIELD director ... .I can’t think about it."  
"And also a very good one!" Skye said proudly.  
The two women exchanged a smile while May was on a corner waiting for the results of the visit.

"So ... Jemma .... you are my doctor?" asked Coulson.  
"Yes, I take care of the whole team ...."  
"Ok, good ... and as is usually my health?"  
Simmons was not sure how to answer this question. Coulson did not remember to be dead, to be gone almost crazy, that he was almost killed by Skye’s father….  
"Let’s say good in general ...."  
"Well, good to know. And listen, you know how I've got these scars?" Coulson said pointing to his chest. Jemma paled and Coulson noticed it right away "It was something very bad ..."  
"Yes, very much, but I think it is better to go step by step. You will remember something soon. The analysis and brain scans show that there are no permanent damage. There seems to be a block, more psychological than physical. I think back in the places to which you are accustomed, you will gradually remember everything".  
Coulson nodded but he felt strange. Come back here with these people meant to be among strangers and simultaneously meant leaving Kate. And that disturbed him. Kate was the only person to whom he felt bound but it was clear that these people love him, not only as their boss but, above all, as a friend.  
Coulson and Simmons joined the others.  
"The visit went well. There are no permanent damage and I'm sure that soon he will remember everything .... " said Simmons.  
May and Skye breathed a sigh of relief but Kate could not help some panic. Coulson noticed it and took her hand.

"Can we talk for a minute?" Coulson asked Kate "In private" Kate nodded and the two walked away from the rest of the group.  
"Kate I don’t know what to say. I don’t remember any of that, but it seems that I am an important person, with responsibilities ... "  
"I understand, listen, don’t worry, everything's fine. I'm glad that your friends have found you and you are fine. You'll see that soon you will remember everything and this adventure will seem just a holiday ... "  
"But I don’t want it to be a holiday ... .I know, we've known just for a few days but I cannot think now to go away and never see you again"  
"And what would you do? Phil, I'm just a waitress of a remote village. The director of the Shield would never have looked twice at me. You said it yourself, you have the responsibility ... .soon you will remember everything and I cannot feel guilty for having you distracted from your work "  
"Kate ...."  
"No, Phil, that's okay. You have your life, I have mine. When we started this we knew it would not last ... .. "  
"Come with me!" The words came out of impulse. Coulson knew it was not right to think of taking away Kate from her life, but at this time he have to be selfish.  
Kate came up to him and kissed him "No Phil, I can’t. It is your life, not mine. Try to be careful!" and with these words she goes away.


	5. Chapter 5

Coulson was sitting in his office in the Bus. The atmosphere seemed familiar but he still could not remember anything. He went around the room touching objects placed there hoping that something might sound familiar. He found an envelope with pictures inside: he was there next to some of the people who found him. The atmosphere seemed relaxed and this photos seemed more family memories that office photos. In one photo he was very young and he was next to the older woman who had joined them by plane. In another was instead with the younger girl. Someone knocked on the door.

"It’s open!"  
"May I?"  
"Sure ... May, right?"  
May nodded and walked into the office, still not comfortable with Coulson’s lack of memory.  
"We know each other from a long time, right? I found these pictures ... " Coulson handed the photos to May "I understand that all this may sound strange ...."  
"We were at the Academy, second year, we had a mission simulation on the field and we were on the same team ...."  
"Sounds like fun ... .."  
"It was"  
The two exchanged a slight smile "Listen May, I'm sure that sooner or later I will remember everything, but I need your help, because we know each other... tell me something about me, about my life…."  
May did not know where to start, what to tell and what to leave out "We met 30 years ago at the Shield’s Academy. We have always been on the same team until six years ago. Then we go to separate ways ... .2 years ago you asked me to come back and we created this new team"  
"How come we separated?"  
"Let's say I needed a break ...."  
"Did I do something wrong? It was my fault?" asked Coulson.  
"No, absolutely, it was my decision. I needed a break from working on the field .... "  
"Ok" Coulson said simply "I'm a good director?"  
"We have our fights but ... .yes, you are good and you love your job"  
Coulson felt comfortable with May. Perhaps the years spent together were still somewhere in his mind.  
"I'm a little embarrassed to ask but ... ..I have a girlfriend or a wife somewhere? Kids?" asked Coulson.  
"You mean apart from Kate?" May said and Coulson smiled "Apart from her" he replied.  
"No, not that I know but I guess not. We are close enough, I would have known"  
"Good, I would have hated to betray my woman"  
"There would still have not been your fault, anyway this is just one thing that my Phil would have said"  
"Well, then there is hope ..."

The atmosphere was relaxed and the two continued to talk in peace. But Coulson still had a very important question for May "Listen ... .Simmons did not wanted to respond ... ..how I've got the scars on my chest and back?"  
As Simmons, May did not know what was the best answer "About two years ago, before creating this team, you have been seriously injured in battle. You have spent months in rehab and have suffered a lot but in the end you came back in the game" Coulson watched and understood that this was not the whole truth "And how I was injured? It does not seem ... a bullet"  
"No, it was a kind of spear from your back to your chest ... .do you remember Loki from Asgard?"

Loki, Asgard ... ..the names seemed familiar. Coulson was trying to remember, strange and confused images were afloat in his mind. Suddenly he noticed the worried look of May and realized he was bleeding from the nose. Before he could say or do something a strong pain in the head folded him in two. May was immediately at his side and picked up the phone on his desk.  
"Simmons, come now in Coulson’s office. Bring your medical equipment. Now! "  
Coulson was on the ground with eyes closed in pain and holding his hands on the head.  
"Phil, what happens? Answer me "  
Voices and images came in flashes in his mind and he felt May in the distance. She was calling him but he could not answer.  
Simmons came in a moment and lost no time. She was immediately at his side trying to figure out what was going on.  
"Coulson! What's up? What do you feel?" Simmons tried to communicate with him "The beat is too accelerated, I have to slow it down" she took a syringe from her bag and injected into his arm. May continued to hold Coulson’s head on her legs trying to revive him. Within seconds Coulson seemed to relax and Simmons analyzed his pupils finding them dilated and realized that Coulson was still unable to focus.  
"We need to bring him in the medical room, I need to monitor him".

Coulson remained unconscious for a while. When he regained consciousness he found May, Simmons and Skye at his side.  
"What happened?" he asked in a weak voice.  
"You've had a crises...." said May  
"I'm doing now some analyzes and research ..." continued Simmons "has it ever happened before?"  
"Yes ... ..at Kate’s ... one day I was watching the news and there was a news on Shield and Hydra ...."  
"Ok, so we can say that when your mind find a link with the past triggered the crisis ... and I realize that is not a good news, but don’t worry, we will find a solution!"  
Simmons's voice soothed him but he felt shattered and tired and the only thing he wanted was to have Kate at his side. But the woman was now far away from him.


	6. Chapter 6

Coulson was now in his room. Simmons had released him from the medical room as long as he remain in bed to rest. The crisis had passed, like last time, but had left him tired and confused. Coulson knew that this was his life, he felt it, but still could not understand how to go forward.  
He picked up the phone and called Kate.

"Hello?"  
"Hello Kate, it’s me, how are you?"  
The girl hesitated a moment before answering "Hello, I missed your voice ..."  
"Me too"  
"What's life as a director?"  
"Frankly I don’t know. For now I'm just a patient ... very pampered"  
"Your team seems to love you very much"  
"Yes, they are all fantastic it's just that ... .."  
"You don’t feel at home!"  
"Yeah! I know it's strange and deep down I feel I know that this is my home, but I still cannot figure out what to do, what to say, I don’t know what they expect from me ... it's a bit stressful and depressing .... "  
"... and stress and depression are two things that you should avoid ...." Kate concluded.  
"How are you doing?"  
"The usual ... the bar ... .friends ... .I bet that your life now is much more interesting!"  
"I don’t think ... .anyway ... .I miss you!"  
"I know, I miss you too but we have already talked about this"  
"I know, I know, but is there any chance to have you here? I don’t think I can move easily ... "  
"Phil, how do I do? Closing the bar? Leave everything? My life is here, we've talked about ... "  
"I know, I'm sorry!"  
"Phil is difficult for me but it would be worse to leave everything, come to you and then come back here once you've regained memory"  
"You're right, at the moment I have no right to ask you anything ... ..I don’t know what will happen when my memory will come back ...."  
"Phil ..."  
"Sorry Kate, you're right. See you soon" Coulson concluded the call feeling more depressed and lonely than before. The next few days will going to be tough.

*******  
Coulson thought the best to do to pass the time without going crazy was keep in training. He asked May and Skye to help him: shooting range, hand a hand combat, running, boxing. All to keep his mind occupied and keep physical ready to return to the field. Every day things around him seemed more familiar. The memory would come back slowly and maybe some things would remain lost forever. May and Skye thought that, apart from the beard he had decided to hold and the fact that he still had not worn one of his suits preferring jeans and t-shirt, Coulson looked the same. He moved with sureness and remembered some procedures, probably thanks to years of training and muscle memory.

Things became normal in time. After 3 weeks, the team was back to his routine. Every day he have a memory back or a familiar feeling.  
He had not called Kate again thinking of hurting her more if staying in her life. And one day he decided to go back on the field. The mission was simple and he would be left in a van as a back up. May had been clear and adamant about not having him on the field directly, thinking it was still too dangerous.  
Coulson was sitting in the van and he was following the mission on a computer screen. Skye and May were inside a deserted building to retrieve some equipment. Other agents that still he did not remember, Hunter, Bobbi and Mack, were in the second team that controlled the perimeter. He was in the van with Fitz, another agent who seemed very attached to him and, above all, to Simmons.

Everything was running smoothly until the teams were attacked. From inside the van was not possible to understand anything: shots and orders shouted between the agents and it was impossible to understanding anything. What Coulson and Fitz could understand was that the two teams were in danger. Coulson was ready to leave the van, gun in the hand.

“Wait!” shouted Fitz “What are you doing?”  
“They need help, I got to go!” and Coulson was running on the building looking for Skye and May. Something seemed familiar. Years spent on the filed were still in his mind. He went inside and was looking in every spot for the two agents. He could see that Skye was trapped under enemy fire. He shot at one of the enemies helping Skye to run away. May was in the other corner and she realized that Coulson was inside.

“What are you doing here? Go away!”  
“I am here to help! C’mon, I can shot that guy over there…” Coulson was ready to shot a guy how was shooting at May for an upper level leaving here trapped behind a small wall. He pull the trigger and the guy fall back. He was ready to say something to May when a sharp pain on his back took all the air from his lungs. In a second he was on the ground. Everything seems unreal: voices, rumors, lights. He could not understand what was just happens. He could see May’s face on him. She was talking but he could not understand a word. He was still conscious but all around him seem like a dream. He was in pain. Someone was moving him. He was now in the van and Skye was putting on his mouth an oxygen mask. He was too tired to stay awake and he closed his eyes.

A monotonous beep slowly brought him back to consciousness. With a great effort he opened his eyes and recognized the medical room at the playground. He recognized it. Not since his last crisis but from before. He was not sure about what had happened but now he remembered everything and everything hurts. He was sure that May was going to be pissed with him because he went to the building. After a few seconds Simmons was in the room.

“Good morning! Happy to see you awake. How do you feel?”  
“Like someone shot at me”  
“Fair enough!”  
“And I remember everything…”  
“You remember….”  
“Everything”  
“Wow! That’s great! Maybe the shock was great and it helped your memory…I need to tell the others….and hey, you have a guest!” Simmons opened the door and Kate was there.  
“Kate…”  
“Hi, we should stop seeing each other like that…..” she was smiling but she was tense.  
“Why are you here? I mean…I am happy….”  
“Skye call me when you went out of surgery. She was worried and she ask me to come here…”  
“How long…..”  
“3 days…..3 of the longest days of my life!”  
“I am sorry….”  
“I don’t think it was your fault….also if May is very angry at you….”  
“I am sure about it…..listen Kate, I remember…..the memory is back just now….”  
“You remember? Wow that’s a great news…”  
“Yeah, everything is normal now, apart for the pain in my back….”  
“I am very happy for you”  
“I have missed you…..”  
“Me too…..”  
“Are you going to stay?”

In those 5 words there was all the love that Coulson could afford. Even with his memory back he did not want to lose her again. It would be difficult to organize their life but if Kate had wanted he was ready to risk. And maybe losing his memory and be hit by a bullet would not have been the worst things of his life. He was ready to risk. With Kate.


End file.
